From our correspondent still stuck in Rome
Reports have come into Rome that the armies of the triumvirs M. Antonius and G. Octavius have resoundingly beaten the forces raised by Dictator G. Cassius and vice-Dictator M. J. Brutus. The battle, at Philippi in Thrace, resulted in the total rout of the Cassius forces and the surrender of many units hitherto regarded as invincible.
The third member of the triumvirs, Sen. Lepidus, had a note from his mother saying he had a slight sniffle, should not be playing with the big boys and could he be excused.
The victorious army is expected to reach Rome around January 6. Meanwhile many erstwhile supporters of Sen. Cassius have been unexpectedly called away to their estates and are unavailable for comment.
Speaking to a deserted Colosseum, Sen. Cassius was in defiant mood.
"Basically, we won this hands down. It wasn't my fault my troops were rubbish. If I had been there, we would have won even more. I would have personally slaughtered all their legions. The gods are totally behind me, I was personally told that by Jupiter, and I know that all the plebs of this great country sincerely want me and my friends to be rich, even if they can't afford to feed their families, that's how great I am. I've built myself a fabulous palace and every man shivering in a hovel in the most malaria- ridden part of Rome will be telling me to build another and make it bigger.And you know what? I will!"
Meanwhile in the Forum long-time ally Sen. Casca seemed to be distancing himself from the Dictator. Addressing two men who were pushing a cart of building materials, the Senator declaimed
"Some have called me envious. Well, they can go sit on a sword. Everything I do is for the common good. Now it is possible that Sen. Cassius has got a few things wrong, like declaring war on Parthia and losing it the moment our boys marched off without water into a sandstorm, and I just want you to know that that was nothing to do with me, I was praying devoutly with a couple of Vestal Virgins at the time and could not be disturbed, the first I heard about it was when that shipload of severed heads arrived back in Ostia. All I ask for my loyal service is a couple of provinces - Gaul and Hispania would be a good start. Is this envy? I don't think so, my friends. Erm, you over there, I'm orating to you, you might at least turn your heads"
L.S.Cinna was not available but this column was able to obtain an interview with Cinna the Poet who wished to read an extract from his latest scroll.
On the Fickleness of Fate and Man's Destiny
by Cinna (the poet, not L.S. Cinna)
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There was a young woman from Pisa
...
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Editor's note. Our report breaks off at this point. Some garum stains on the manuscript from our correspondent suggest that perhaps he had other things to do at this point.
