The Man on the Scooter

 The Olympic Games are well underway in Tokyo and right now cycling events are taking centre stage. Whilst most sports leave me cold, I enjoy cycling, one of the very few activities that I do myself. I find the strength, stamina and daring of Grand Tour cyclists genuinely impressive. However, the Olympics cuts out pretty well all of this in order to have nearly all of the cycling events take place in a velodrome. So there are no grinding climbs up 1 in 8 ascents, no 70kph descents round hairpin bends, no breakaways and chasedowns... just one long sequence of cyclists going as fast as possible whilst going round and round. "How can we spice this up and add something to grip the wider public?" was the burning question.¹

The answer was a race called the Keirin, introduced in 2000. The competitors follow a man on a scooter (or "keirin") who, grim-faced and unwavering, chunters round the course whilst they follow, forbidden to overtake until the final three or four laps when they are permitted to sprint for the finishing line. Naturally, in the Ramblings household, all attention is on the little man (given that there is not a lot going on behind him, other than the cyclists gradually speeding up to match his gradually speeding-up scooter). Will he ever look to left or right? Will he glance over his shoulder with a "So long, suckers" kind of expression? Will he fall off, leaving a rogue scooter careering up and down the steeply banked sides of the arena while the cyclists scramble to dodge it?

How does one get this sort of job? It requires no physical skill but a fair amount of concentration. Do the Japanese hold intensive week-long exams where the candidates, wearing loose judo-style clothing and headbands, confront each other with glaring eyes and chest-beating? Must they be able to compose, and to illustrate though beautiful calligraphy, haikus in honour of cranes soaring in the morning mist over Mount Fuji? Is there a Keirin Master who asks baffling Zen-style questions such as "If a man falls off a scooter in a deserted arena, is he enlightened or merely bruised?"

This is the only sport where a non-competitor is actively involved. You don't get girls in jodhpurs cantering on a pony ahead of the steeplechasers, casually guiding her steed over the jumps whilst calling back "Come on, it's easy". The rowers, who of course train with a coach on a bike, barking instructions through a megaphone whilst tracking them on the towpath, nonetheless are quite capable of going up and down the pool without, say, a bloke wearing sunglasses in a motor-boat and swigging champagne, going ahead of them. A young woman on very high stilts is not required to encourage the pole-vaulters, nor do frisbee-throwers dance about when the discus-throwers begin chucking things.

My final problem with the Keirin is simply its pure artificiality. Nobody can take part in this sport unless they have access to a velodrome and to one of the little men with a scooter to hand. Anyone can ride a bike but almost nobody who does so will ever participate in a Keirin - it is strictly for the elite, a spectator sport rather than an all-embracing one. Which is why I couldn't care less if they dropped it and we never heard of it again. But if they introduced Keirin jousting, where two competitors ride in opposite directions for a few laps, one higher than the other, until that last lap where they meet literally head-to-head whilst brandishing spears ...yes, that one would definitely be watchable.

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1. I assume it was a team of stupidly over-paid marketing consultants who took on this assignment. They probably drooled over the fantastic commercial possibilities of ad-breaks during the interminable laps before the actual racing began.

Out on Probation

 Nearly all covid-19 restrictions that have been in place in England, with varying applications from time to time, were lifted at midnight last night. TV news showed crowds of young people celebrating in the time-honoured fashion of gathering in crowds in the streets, drinking, cheering, hugging strangers and shouting a lot at each other. If there is a quicker way to spread the virus amongst those yet to be vaccinated, I'm struggling to think of one. No, I'm wrong, the restrictions on nightclubs have lifted as well. The drinking, hugging, shouting, etc. can all go on but in a confined space where the raison d'etre is to be as close as you can to others. 

Maybe it has to be this way. Infection rates had been falling nicely to just a few thousand a day, with hospital admissions measured in hundreds. Now we have daily rates well over 40,000 and 4,000 are in hospital, and this is at the start of the new freedom. In exchange for the opening up of the economy and doing away with the compulsory wearing of masks, we must live with a greater strain on the NHS and more risk for those with existing medical conditions that make them vulnerable to respiratory disease,

It feels rather transitory - a 48 hour pass rather than a release. At some point a return to restrictions looks inevitable under the pressure of hospitals once more desperately trying to cope whilst cancelling all non-urgent (and many urgent) procedures. 

Meanwhile we have a heatwave, a real one, with the mercury topping out over 31c yesterday in these parts and staying high until Friday. It adds to the febrile atmosphere - we have a holiday but all holidays come to an end. [Actually I'm thinking of taking a few days off. If that's alright? I assume it is... er, is it? Oh, well, I didn't really want to go anyway: Ed]

Sporting Triumph

 I said in my last piece that England would triumph¹ in the European Championship "Round of 16" knockout against Germany and that is what they did.

Source: BBC

Not only did we enjoy the rare spectacle of a Wembley crowd behind England in a game that really mattered but they stifled their old enemies before despatching them with two beautiful goals. And to add the topping to this burger, veteran cyclist Mark Cavendish, unexpectedly summoned to take part in the Tour de France when his career seemed to be over, won the day's sprint. Fittingly, the location was where he last won a stage at the Tour, five years ago.

At a time when covid cases are rising back to some 20,000 a day, we need all the boosters we can get.

 

1. [Umm, yes, up to a point. You also implied that they would be trounced. I believe this is what is called hedging one's bets: Ed]

Sporting Mayhem

 There was destruction a-plenty in major sporting events yesterday. At the Tour de France a series of crashes throughout the day transformed what should have been a straightforward bunch finish into a lottery. Geraint Thomas fell off early on and brought down Robert Gesink.  Thomas managed to ride away; Gesink abandoned. Later Primoz Roglic fell off and lost time to the GC leaders. During the sprint finish Caleb Ewan and Peter Sagan bumped wheels; Sagan rolled over with his bike firmly in his grasp but Ewan lay on the ground, just yards from the finish line, waiting for the peloton to pass before medical aid could reach him.

Those crashes followed the incident yesterday when a moronic spectator, more intent on waving a piece of cardboard for the cameras than watching the race, hit Tony Martin with it on a narrow section of road. Martin went over and some 40 riders piled over him, leaving bits of bike strewn across the road.

A different sort of destruction in the European Championships. Following the Netherlands lack-lustre performance yesterday, it was nearly Spain. Leading 3-1 against Croatia until a few minutes before full time, they let in two quick goals and were taken to extra time where they recovered. In the evening it was real for France. Uncannily their game with Switzerland went exactly the same way - Switzerland scored a shock early goal, France banged in three in the second half and were strolling and then the Swiss rallied to score twice at the end of normal time. But there the resemblance ended. No goals in extra time and the failure of France's fifth penalty-taker to do what the nine preceding strikers had achieved put the World Champions out.

Today England host Germany. The mood of the English supporters seems to be rather muted. There are few flags in evidence in the streets or in houses. Most comments are resigned to another disappointment. This writer has no such defeatist qualms. Of course we will triumph. Unless we don't.

Are THEY watching?

 Two weeks ago we had a few days of extremely hot weather (hot by UK standards, you understand). It came without any build-up, following a delightful week of really pleasant sunshine, a week in which, by pure coincidence, Mrs. C and I enjoyed a holiday for the first time in 18 months. But the heat did not simply fade into a typical summer, or vanish amidst thunderstorms (although there was a fair bit of rain). It was replaced by a cold snap so virulent that we, and other people of our generation, were seriously considering putting on the central heating. In June!

I am pleased to say things have now settled down to a normal British summer but at the back of my mind is one disquieting fact. The US government  is about to publish a definitive report on the existence of UFOs.

Nobody denies that unidentified flying objects exist. One of them hurtled past my ears only the other evening before disappearing mysteriously somewhere near the net curtains [Could it have been a fly? Ed]. What excites the loonies of this world is the idea that some must be alien spacecraft and that the US government knows all about them and is, perhaps, in contact with them.  Naturally, the aliens possess technologies so far in advance of our own that they can be thought capable of anything. Flying across light-years of space - no problem. Whizzing round our world undetected pretty well all of the time - a snap. Being able to land, abduct Americans, investigate their anatomies intimately and then return them without anybody else ever seeing - happens all the time.

And now we come to the crux. The aliens, who monitor all our of media closely (and I hope they find EastEnders of particular use when analysing the psychology of people who glower a lot and keep getting barred from pubs) will know all about the forthcoming report. They have kept their existence, not exactly secret, but deeply obscured, for at least 75 years.

Some suggest there is much earlier evidence, if the account in Second Kings is given credence -

 As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.

What do the aliens want? Presumably to go on probing the digestive systems of Americans and zooming around the skies in order to baffle airline pilots. They obviously derive enormous satisfaction from this and are credited with absolutely nothing else.  Would these activities be harmed by the truth being disclosed to those of us not already privy to it? Is this, in fact, why the weather has been so screwy? Are they sending us an awful warning?

Detailed, robust and painstaking research conducted here at Ramblings has established the following scenarios that pertain.

• The aliens do not want any more information about them to be released. The heat and the cold show what they can do if they are offered further provocations.
• The aliens want the information to be released. The heat and the cold are a warning that full disclosure must be made.
• The aliens want the information to be disclosed but are not happy at the thought of all the loonies going "I told you so" because, in a way, this undermines the total secrecy of the aliens' activities and make them look rather stupid. The heat and the cold are there to ensure governments round the world suppress all dissent but, so far, only the Chinese have followed them to the letter.
• The aliens don't know what they want and are having a furious debate about it with their overlords back on Tharg. As all messages can only travel at the speed of light, and Tharg is 24 light-years away, they are still waiting for a reply from a message sent in 1974 asking if they should exterminate the Bay City Rollers as a threat to the wholesomeness of the younger and more impressionable of their crew. The heat and the cold are a message to their mother ships anchored in orbit somewhere beyond Pluto and mean "Well? Yes or no? Get on with it, five-eyes!"
• The aliens really like sharp changes in temperature, such a refreshing contrast to the constant -139c temperature on their flying saucers. After a long day's medical review of the intestines of Americans, they like nothing better than to land on a deserted beach, take in the sun for a while and then don fluffy cardigans as the mercury plummets. They are worried that these activities may have to be curtailed when the report is published and so are getting in a final burst of basking and shivering before it all has to end.

We will soon know what the US government wants us to know. It doesn't really matter what they publish because the true believers in UFOs as evidence of alien spacemen will allege that the REAL facts are being covered up. And the strange contrasts in our weather will continue.

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Readers! Do you have any stories of alien abductions in which things were inserted into parts of your body that, quite frankly, made you feel rather squeamish? Have flying saucers buzzed you while little green men leant out of the windows thumbing their noses or sticking tentacles down their outer proboscis or whatever it is that aliens do when they can go faster than you? Do you know the GRISLY TRUTH about what is REALLY going on and if so, do you dare to disclose it?

Please send in your contributions to the usual address and, provided you don't mind having thousand of goggling Thargians watching as your innermost secrets are probed with a, er, probe, you could win a holiday for two on a flying saucer. Just remember to bring your thermals!

Terms and conditions apply but as they have to be approved by the Thargian government it will take 48 years before we can let you know what they are.