Everything is Nice, claims Reform's Tice

 

Source: The Independent

 

The leadership of Reform, the party for crypto billionaires ordinary working people, has once more said what needed to be said. Yes, it has been pretty warm this summer, if not downright hot. Yes, most of Britain is suffering from drought, many have enduring swelteringly unpleasant nights in overheated homes and medical staff have been reported as passing out due to the heat in hospitals. But let's look on the bright side. Forget the fields full of withering vegetables and bleached out grass, the sheep huddling for shade and the rock-hard soil. It's been a bumper year for British wine and, you know, what does the ordinary bloke and blokess in the street want at the end of a hard sweaty day? Yes, a glass of good old English sparkling wine while we all take enjoyment in the heat.

If only Mr Tice's robust common sense could have been applied in the past.  

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 "So-called Black Death is fake news" claims Edward III

Addressing his council at Harlech Castle, the king of England poured scorn on tidings of death and chaos reported from Europe. "1348 is going to be a great year for us all. A few hysterical Frenchmen moaning about their old granny dropping down dead in the street - what a bunch of moaning minnies they all are. Even if this plague is real, it's going to be a bumper year for coffin makers. Anyway, we have natural immunity, being English and protected by the Virgin Mary, and I am totally confident that we shall all be laughing about this in a year or two."

In other, unrelated, news, guards are blocking all the roads leading to Harlech, which is reported to have been stocked with two years provisions for the King's court.

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 Beat the Flood - Build a Boat

Rain continued to fall heavily across the Middle East yesterday and experts are predicting that serious flooding could follow, perhaps engulfing all dry land and lasting up to 40 days. But it was all smiles at Noah and Sons, Boatbuilders of Galilee when our reporter waded up what used to be the King's Road to see them. 

"Arks are the future" proclaimed Noah, gesturing to a boat being constructed in his extensive shed "Who needs land anyway - you can go anywhere you want at sea and there's all the fish in the world to eat. In fact, we are so pleased with the way things are going, we hope to take lots of animals with us. But apart from my immediate family, we can't actually take any other people, health and safety you see, have to get a licence to carry passengers and what with the port of Jaffa being swept away, plus all the other ports that seem to be under water right now, easiest if we don't go down that route, know what I mean?"

Asked what the inhabitants of the land should do, Noah had no doubt "Get plenty of gopher wood and get cracking. It's satisfying work and you get the chance to travel. I'm hoping lots of arks will be built, then we could have a sort of regatta, maybe a round-the-Med race, prize for the winner, that sort of thing. Keeps morale up. Let's all enjoy the flooding."

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From the diary of Mr Samuel Pepys 

September 2nd, 1666

 

Woken early by my maidservant Jane (no, not for that) and was informed that a fire was sweeping through the city. Did dress and betook myself to Cheapside. Some twenty or so dwellings blazed, with their pitiful inhabitants rushing hither and yon in their distress, and thick noisome smoke filled the air.

 

Ti's a merry sight, God wot, observed a bystander whom I discerned to be that leading dissident and Reformadoe Lord Cite.

My lord, why say you so, I wrangled, this doth cause much pain and loss to those within.

Tush man, he rejoindered, fire is natural, part of God's way of clearing the deadwood. We should relish it. Let marshmallows be toasted. Fetch a suckling pig. I'll wager that these wretches will be right merry once they join hands and ring the flames with a gay country jig.

I will to the king, said I, to ask his majesty for such help as can extinguish this conflagration speedily

As you will, Master Pepys, said he, but there is naught that any may do, for the fire is too hot, but a touch of warmth is welcome this chill morning, eh?

My lord, if naught be done and the wind blow north, then shall your fine mansion be in its path, said I and his visage at once chang'd, becoming worn with care

I'faith, I'd not thought of that. To think that my own house, my goods and chattels may burn. Why 'tis not to be borne. To the king, man, with all haste!, and I shall to my house to do what can be done.

Why my lord, I observed, surely if it burn it will be God's will, be of cheer and make merry in the smouldering remains.

 

At that he let out a cry of several profanities and hied speedily away, and I proceeded to Whitehall....

 

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Announcing the Ramblings "Let's Make The Best Of It" competition

 

Readers! What disasters and unpleasantness, man-made or not, can we see the cheery side of? What helpful advice can you give to those whose lives are being ruined? Send in your heart-warming and uplifting advice to the usual address and the winners will receive a crate of English sparkling wine (warning, might be a bit warm). 

Terms and conditions apply.  You are not going to like them but that shouldn't prevent you from having a jolly good time anyway, even while you come to terms with their blatant unfairness and onerous sub-clauses. The bit about the winner getting some wine may not apply if the judges decide they would rather keep the wine themselves and there's nothing you can do about it.