Heatwave Update #2

The hot air remaining overnight contributed to a rapid rise in temperatures this morning. UK records began to fall and at 1:00pm a new high of 40c was measured at Heathrow, uncomfortably close to us here in what used to be beautiful Ruislip. It is, however, much breezier than yesterday, a hint that the weather system that has been locked over Europe for a week is shifting.

 There is almost no other topic on the news, although Conservative MPs continue to ballot for someone to succeed B. Johnson who, having been hailed as the greatest human in history not so long ago, is now still our prime minister without power or honour. 

Mrs C and I took a brief stroll round the block last night. It was like a Mediterranean holiday in the balmy air with people coming out after hiding in their shuttered homes all day. Except that the lively bars and cafes were missing and only a crowd outside the pub contributed to that southern European feel.

Heatwave update #1

As predicted, it was 37c this afternoon in the scorched, baking plains of what they used to call beautiful Ruislip. The news was dominated by reports across the country showing cars melting, Rutland Water evaporating and mile-long queues to buy ice-creams. [Some slight but permissible exaggeration here:Ed] We remained steadfastly indoors. It was warm but comfortable in the living room with curtains closed and a fan on. Tonight may be less pleasant as massive amounts of stored heat burst out of the brickwork and converge on the bedroom. A local weather station is optimistically predicting some precipitation (rain, in other words) but all too often, in these situations, we see the clouds waft overhead without giving us some blessed relief, so I am not getting any hopes up.

We're Heading For A Heatwave

 The title of a long-forgotten pop song from the late 1960s seems peculiarly suitable right now. All of Western Europe is roasting in an unprecedented heatwave. Temperatures above 40c are being experienced from Spain to the Balkans. In Britain, having had a couple of days at around 30c we are bracing ourselves for a possible 40c in the next couple of days.

Fortunately the Commuter household no longer has to commute and can bunker down at home with a supply of cold drinks, damp towels and darkened rooms to ease the discomfort. 

I shall update this topic in due course

No Place On The Sofa

Here is an update to my recent posting about the approach to discuss my published work on "SkyTV". This message came in today:

 

 Hi Anthony, thanks for your interest. Pls this come with a small fee, please have a look at the offer available and come back to me and we can talk, thanks; https://www.myeverywomantv.com/booksandauthorstv

Oh, a small fee. Well, I don't mind receiving a small fee, all contributions gratefully received in these difficult times, just stick it in a plain brown envelope and slide it casually into my jacket when nobody's looking, used notes preferred.

I checked the website. 

Ah. I am supposed to PAY them a small fee. £59 to have one shot on their TV channel or a chunk more to do a series.  

After I collected my senses, sipped a restorative brandy-and-water and allowed my manservant to apply cold towels to my throbbing forehead, I managed to gather sufficient strength for one final reply:

I don't think I see much point in paying you to advertise a book that has been out-of-print for 40 years. In fact, I don't see any point at all, really.

Really that should be the end of the matter. But then a series of video call requests began coming through. God, don't these people know it's a blisteringly hot Sunday and the correct thing to do today is rest, enjoy the Tour de France (or the Wimbledon men's final, if you must) and put off work until the morrow?  

Chat Show Fame, Here We Come

 I received the following missive on the horrible direct messaging system that Facebook employs, Messenger. It is from somebody I don't know (and I thought only Friends could send dms) but anyway this is what it said:

Dear Author AnthonyG¹,   would you like to come on SKY TV  to talk about yourself and your book/read a review or an excerpts, or what you prefer. My name is Carol Azams, myself with Award winning Author David P. Perlmutter are starting Books & Authors TV  to support authors by promoting their books on Sky Television.  Pls reply for if interested for more details. Thanks
Today at 12:13
 

 Gosh, "Author AnthonyG". How flattering. And how odd. For though am I indeed a published author, as my reply below confirms, I find it impossible to believe that I could have been deliberately selected from the vast number of more popular authors who actually have books in print/digital rather than me with my academic effort from 45 years ago. 

There is a real Carol Azams who presents a TV channel, and a real David P Perlmutter, an author who lives not too far from me. I assume the message is genuine, albeit perhaps sent out as part of a huge batch by an intern (Yes, once again, and why not) and that they will sift out the most interesting and photogenic respondents to come round for a cosy session on the sofa and a nice cup of tea and biscuit in the green room afterwards. There is no way I would be chosen out of this process.

I must admit the idea of being whisked off in a stretch limo, to be flattered under the studio lights while a rapt audience struggled to hold back waves of applause did, for one infinitesimal moment, hurtle through my cortex before an gang of neurons from the "Don't be so bloody stupid" department laid into it. And then with common sense prevailing I submitted this reply

Dear Carol, what a wonderful invitation. The only book I have actually had published was "Financial Accounting", Hodder & Stoughton, 1978 and I know the chapter on inventory valuations under current cost accounting is one that people still argue fiercely about in pubs even to this day. Alas, a planned C4 documentary on "Great undiscovered accountants of Middlesex" fell through quite recently but I am confident that the ratings for any show with me in it will be off the scale. Depending on how big the scale is, of course and whether it goes under 0.

At this point, because I was typing on a real keyboard, I hit the space-bar to insert a paragraph. Bloody Messenger interprets this as the Send Message instruction so I had to add a coda
 

Sorry for pressing the enter key too quickly, I really hate using Messenger. All the best, Anthony.

And there the matter rests. Ms Azams (or Taz) has yet to reply, which does seem to make the use of a direct messaging system pointless. I am rather hoping to be invited to join them as one of the chat show hosts, perhaps doing the Cyril Fletcher role as seen on the much-loved BBC show That's Life. Cyril, as I recall, lolled about in a comfy chair and inserted short and pungent witticisms after Rantzen and Co had routinely blasted the Gas Board, or British Rail or BL or other reviled British enterprises for failings in their dealings with the public. Certainly beats actually trying to write another blasted book.

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Other chat show presenters! If you wish to join the bidding war for my services, now is the time to contact us at the usual address and submit your plain brown envelopes complete with tasty contents. Terms and Conditions apply and are fully covered in my latest trilogy Terms and Conditions: The Beginning, Terms and Conditions: The Editor Strikes Back and Terms and Conditions: The Reckoning (complete with itemised bill, VAT and non-discretionary Service Charge).

Footnote

1. My real name was used but I've redacted it to match my blog id