President Khan Speaks Out

From our own correspondent in Karakorum 

Fresh from slaughtering his enemies, old friends who looked a bit like enemies, ordinary people who might well have been enemy-sympathisers and foreigners on the grounds that they look funny, President Genghis Khan has been making statements about his policies as a newly elected leader of the glorious Mongol Empire.

On being pressed by some of his old tribal allies about future rights to share waterholes, President Khan said that of course he would be keen to share everything fairly, but anyone who took his water would get what was coming to them.  "Let there be no doubt" he was quoted "It's our water. They can drink it but if they put a single Mongol sheepherder out of business, they'll be making water rather than drinking it, if you see what I mean".

Pressed about foreign relations and the future of MATO (Mongols against the others), President Khan said "This organisation has had its day. It's time for the Uzbeks, Turks, Kirghiz and so on to pay for their own defence. And boy, they'll need to because if my horde decide to have a go at them, they'll wish they had.". On the subject of relations with the Holy Roman Empire, Khan observed that "Their leader, Barbarossa, he's a man I can do business with. And that's good because with what I have in mind for the Middle East, there's going to be plenty of slaves to go around.".

Asked about his controversial remarks on knocking down the Great Wall of China and requiring the Chinese to pay for it, Khan rounded on his interlocuter. "I never said that, there's not a shred of evidence for it, this is fake news, you represent a crap organisation and will get what's coming to you". When the questioner pointed out that he was Khan's spokesman for Chinese affairs, the President said "Exactly. You got it. I stand by everything I said, apart from the bits I don't". The spokesman was seen to ask something else but vanished behind a huddle of guards and has not been available for comment since.

President Khan's appointees in the Government have all been approved unanimously by the Great People's Assembly. The membership of the Assembly, G. Khan Jr. and Mrs. G. Khan (no relation) said "We have total confidence in everything the President does. He is a man inspired by God and not a dangerous lunatic who says the first thing that comes into his head."