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| Source: New York Times |
This outlet is delighted to announce that we have obtained EXCLUSIVE rights to the forthcoming book by recently dismissed White House press secretary Katherine Zacharia. Starting today, and finishing today as well, we are proud to publish this no-holds-barred, insider's guide to what it is really like to work at the centre of power, at the right hand of the most wonderful human who has ever lived. [Her words, not ours: Ed].
She may only have been in post five days but what a dramatic and awe-inspiring five days they were. Now, for the first time, we bring you the complete, unexpurgated, story:-
Five Days That Shook The World
Day One
I woke in my apartment in a really fashionable part of Washington DC, no really it is, and I just knew something wonderful was going to happen. The phone rang. It was my analyst, postponing my next appointment. No, that wasn't the wonderful thing, I'm just setting the scene. Then it rang again. It was Susie Wiles, President Trump's chief of staff.
"Katie, darling " she gushed "The P and I just adore your work. Can you start as press secretary right away?"
"Oh my" I gushed back "That is just so fabulous. Just one question. Who is this 'P'?"
"It's what we insiders call the President, dear" she informed me "Now get over here"
"Sure thing, ma'am " I replied, still a bit gushy "But you know my shorthand isn't that great"
"You don't need it, you are the Press Secretary (she said that in capitals to emphasise her point), not a secretary"
Well, that was a relief. I changed into a power suit with big, padded shoulders and headed out to the White House.
Once I got there, I checked my make-up and hair, then found Susie in her office. She said she didn't have much time, but my office was over in the Executive Office Building and she would introduce me to the President soon.
I found my office, rather small and furnished with just one desk and one chair, but there was a lovely view of the junior clerks' car park. I knew everything was going to be just great.
Day Two
I brought some flowers to my office and arranged them in a vase. I popped into the restroom and gave my make-up a workover. After that, I practised saying "Hi, I'm the press secretary" and "Hi, I'm the Press Secretary" the way Susie did.
Day Three
I was in my office doing my nails when Susie phoned to say I was to come over to meet the President. I raced over to the White House. Susie took me into the Oval Office and there he was! He was so kind and gracious. He told me I had a gorgeous body, and he really appreciated that in a woman and maybe he and I could get together some time, there was a nice little golf course he owned with a really discreet hut on the fourteenth green and nobody needed to know. Susie had a sort of coughing fit and he broke off, looked puzzled for a moment, then told me to give the fake-news media hell. Then he sort of looked into the distance and he closed his eyes, and Susie led me out. She told me I would do my first press conference the next day. I was so excited I nearly forgot to check my make-up.
Day Four
At eleven in the morning I faced the world's press for the first time! I was very excited. I had on my biggest power suit and just knew my hair was perfect because I was two hours in the hairdresser on 12th Street before getting into work at ten minutes to eleven. I strode out to the podium, blinked a little at the camera flashes (OMG, did my mascara run?) and said in a really clear and loud voice "Hi, I'm the PRESS SECRETARY". I hadn't meant to do it all in capitals like that, it just slipped out, but boy were they impressed.
The first question was "Are you really qualified to be a Press Secretary?"
I said "Yes, Yes I am, I'm a hotshot lawyer from Harvard and I have the President's full confidence"
The next question was "You don't appear to have any qualifications and the President has never spent any time with you, so what the hell do you mean?"
I said that was not fair, and I had an office with flowers in, and why didn't they ask something people really wanted to know and not fake news questions?
The next question was something about Iran and sanctions and the streets of Whoremooz, wherever that is, and I must admit I lost it a little and said if they couldn't ask something nice, like where I bought my shoes, then they could all go swivel, and I stormed out with great dignity, knowing I had made sure that the views of the Administration had been clearly expressed to the Great American public.
Day Five
I had only just got into my office when Susie phoned, said the P (and I knew what she meant, this time) thought maybe I wasn't up to the job, and I should really think about it, and it was entirely up to me and my decision and he would be totally happy if I wished to continue, but if my desk wasn't cleared by ten o' clock, the secret service would throw me out into the street.
I took my flowers, and a box of brand new calling cards that said 'Katherine Zacharia, Press Secretary" and went home. I didn't bother checking my make-up though.
The End
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Readers! Would you like your very own copy of Five Days That Shook The World, bound in genuine faux-leather Morocco with tassels and everything, for the low, low price of just £75 plus shipping, delivery, courier charge and damage insurance of only £29? Apply now to the usual address enclosing money and a sworn statement that you really are in possession of all your faculties and competent to make transactions over the Internet, and by return we will rush you a letter that acknowledges your order. It's as easy as that! Delivery of the book is guaranteed just as soon as we get some.
Terms and Conditions, sadly, do apply and amongst them, in very small print, there is one that says that you understand that it may be a long time before we do get any copies. A long time. A very long time. At least.
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