Election 2024 - Canvassed

 Our first canvasser of the current election campaign knocked on the door this afternoon. Not surprisingly, given the torrent of leaflets already received from this quarter, it was on behalf of the LibDems and she handed over yet another, now increasingly redundant, piece of paper. It was nice to be asked what single policy measure I would like and it seemed to strike a chord when I said it would be to reverse Brexit; sadly I do not see this is remotely achievable in the near future even if the EU were to welcome us back, which I rather doubt.

The national talking-point seems to be about the blatant racism and homophobia of a Reform candidate but this is hardly news, the whole point of the party is to try make such views respectable.

In international news, France is having its first round of elections that could give a very right-wing party a majority in the Assembly and Joe Biden's weak performance in a televised live debate might have just done the same for his florid-faced felon of an opponent. It is not quite time to wake up my correspondent and despatch him back to Karakorum but the rattle of scimitars is getting closer.

Sarcasm Corner

 

Source: The Guardian

I wonder when those letters will be delivered ...

Election 2024 - It Grinds on

A week and a half to go in this strange general election. Opinion polls continue to suggest a huge Labour victory, coupled with a Conservative wipeout. I remain sceptical that it will be so big a change. The weather has turned warm - the first prolonged hot spell of this wet and chilly year - and it has clearly been good for the local party promoters because we had a positive flurry of leaflets in the past couple of days. 

I pass over "Reform" whose underlying fascist tendencies grow more marked each day that their glorious leader shows his admiration for Russian brutalism. Maybe he sees himself in ten years driving round in a fancy limousine with World President For Life Putin, much as Putin and the horrible thing that runs North Korea did in their much-publicised meeting. I would have to ignore it anyway, because their candidate has nothing to say except to highlight, with skilfully chosen tick marks, a list of seven policies. 

The LibDems continued a strong marketing campaign with a newspaper-style leaflet claiming once more that they are the only opposition likely to topple the Tories in Stratford. This was the prediction from ElectoralCalculus, and it was pretty accurate. The seat did fall. [I have edited this piece retrospectively, because originally I used a prediction that was actually based on some numbers I put in, not those based on the polls].

But my focus is on the two main parties. Labour produced a very slender prospectus featuring its candidates career as a financial crime analyst - now that is a skill that may well be in demand as the investigations in Conservative dodgy betting activities and the covid PPP sourcing programme continue. But as to some meaty policies - a promise to end the scramble for 8am GP appointments and support for a small hospital the other end of the constituency is about it.

Labour's man appears to be local. Actually he has been a local councillor for Coventry, not Stratford, but it is not too far away. The Conservative candidate has, in two distinctly different leaflets (that suggest the job was given to two interns working on the same material but in different rooms and not communicating with each other), emphasised his past political career. He is not very forthcoming about the fact he was MP for a constituency in Lancashire and a councillor in Salford before that, so not actually a local man at all and the pledge to support small business rings somewhat hollow from a man who supported the Brexit government of B. Johnson. Anyway he seems to believe that the Rwanda plan will "stop the boats", despite all evidence to the contrary and we can magically get to Net Zero without it costing any more. Perhaps the immigration fairy and the climate fairy can be persuaded to show up at last.

All attention now shifts to the last group match for England in the European football championships. Scotland were booted out yesterday after a miserable performance. England have not inspired so far though they will qualify for the next round whatever happens tomorrow night when they face the might of Slovenia, 57th in the FIFA world rankings compared to England's flattering 5th. What could possibly go wrong?

Election 2024 - Place Your Bets

Vote Spendthrift

Our Policies for a Massively Richer Britain 

A recent meeting of the Spendthrift Shadow Cabinet

We, in the Spendthrift Party, have been accused by poorly informed detractors of having "a galaxy sized black hole" at the heart of our policy to cut income tax to 1% whilst recruiting four million doctors, nurses, teachers, police officers and reasonably competent left-sided attacking wing backs, starting the day after we sweep to power. And they might have a point, were it not for our revolutionary financial plan. We will have little need of conventional sources of revenues, my friends, because we are riding the express train of the future and all the signals are green. We have found a sure fire way to raise enormous amounts of the ready and it's all thanks to the Conservative Party.

There's no need to work hard to create wealth. No need to to work at all, actually. Simply obtain some inside information and place a bet. Results guaranteed. This is a proven technique. Already associates of our great party have made the following wagers:

• The newly installed foreign secretary to describe Mexicans as "lazy, tequila-swilling loudmouths in stupidly large hats who spend all day lying around outside cantinas". The odds - a very tasty 20,000 to 1, thank you William Hill. We've pledged our tax revenues from North Sea Oil on this one and it is a dead cert to bring in £190bn within the very first week of a Spendthrift government taking office.
• Appointment of Liz Truss as Director of the Office for Fiscal Responsibility. Corals offered 38,000 to 1 against this ever happening and we've snapped it up, staking the take from customs duties in Dover and Southampton for the next five years. There's a guaranteed £290bn right there.
• Date of the next general election. We know when it will be, nobody else does and if Ladbrokes are happy to offer 90,000 to 1 against it being on Christmas Day 2024, who are we not to bet the Crown Jewels on it?

Vote Spendthrift. The only party who can genuinely say "We're betting it all on Britain".

Election 2024 - Out of the Woodwork

 The election is entering the second half and finally I have received a leaflet from somebody other than the energetic LibDem candidate for Stratford (4 separate items from her so far). Unfortunately the newcomer claims to be a contradiction-in-terms, a non political party (cunningly called Nonpol) that is campaigning to be elected on a raft of policies that somehow, mysteriously, are not political at all, even though they represent choices in exactly the same way that all political parties offer choices.

There is a list of policy objectives. Item one is something incomprehensible about transgenderism. Why on earth this should be the first thing they want me to read is baffling. Later on we learn that Boris Johnson is responsible for the war in Ukraine (and there was me thinking it was Putin, the historical legacy of Tsarist expansion south and west since Peter the Great and Russia's long term strategic goal of dominating the Black Sea), and that if only Britain left NATO then everyone else would disarm, link hands and sing folk songs in joyful comradeship. I noticed that they intend to simplify the tax system by abolishing VAT, charging a flat rate of income tax and raising the threshold before tax is paid to £35,000. How would all this be paid for? Ah, it's much too complicated for the leaflet so we are directed to the party website.

I went to the party website. Now they want me to watch a YouTube that will explain their tax strategy and how they will make the rich pay by forcing everyone to have one bank account, or something. Erm, if I might just interject - I am not going to watch your video. Either explain your plans in writing using words that convey a straight meaning or kindly leave the stage.

Towards the end of the manifesto is a comment about Covid and this gem

As Covid 19 originated in China and was not bought to a halt like SARS1, it has cost the UK thousands of lives and billions in costs. The cost to the UK from Covid will recouped from the Chinese economy. This will be done via imports of Chinese goods and taxation on Chinese assets based in the UK, until the debt is cleared.

I fail to see how importing even more Chinese goods will somehow "recoup" the cost of Covid. Surely all it will do is bolster the Chinese economy and undermine our own? But it's all right, we shall tax Chinese assets based in the UK. There's bound to be loads of those just lying around and of course there is no  question of any retaliation. No, we're definitely on safe and legal grounds. We could also tax them for bird flu, the black death and that nasty throat complaint, Chinese whispers, while we are at it.

As I have written in another context: when asked about these policies, the Chinese ambassador smiled inscrutably

Election 2024 - Beware the Reds

I glimpsed a curious headline in the Daily Mail today whilst shopping (I only browse through it for its excellent coverage of the North Lincolnshire Basket Weaving League (Division Three) and gleaned the following from its website:

A Tory wipeout risks one-party socialist state: Conservative MPs warn public not to hand Keir Starmer a 'super-majority'  

The story acknowledges that Labour continues to lead in the opinion polls and that Reform is steadily eroding the Conservative vote. It is unusual for Lord Rothermere's personal journal to be so defeatist with three weeks of electioneering to go, but it amuses me to see two massive chunks of true-blue hypocrisy in the one short paragraph.

Hypocrisy 1 - It is totally fine and in keeping with God's eternal plan for Britain, this sceptred isle etc etc for the Conservatives to have a huge majority. Absolutely no risks to anything there, if a load of no-hope extremist candidates should happen to get elected on the back of a massive swing to the Tories, and then put through some stupid policy that fundamentally damages the country (I don't know, say the European "Research" Group forcing a referendum on EU membership or something), then that is good and proper, and we should all applaud. A Conservative majority of say, 100, does not in any way turn Britain into a one-party state.

Let Labour get a decent working majority and instantly the Devil and all his works will be let loose in Whitehall; democracy demands that they must be forced to do deals with other parties so as to dilute their policies or perhaps have them regularly voted down. A Labour majority of say, 100, automatically means a one-party state, the Security Police breaking down the doors of private schools, anyone earning more than £20,000 pa paying 110% income tax, the abolition of the Monarchy and public executions in Trafalgar Square (renamed The Glorious People's Struggle Arena of Hope) of anyone denounced by their neighbours for thought-crimes against freedom, such as being able to choose what time you go to the shops,

Hypocrisy 2 - What exactly is a socialist state anyway? The introduction of the National Health Service was opposed at the time because it was socialist. Now every party defends it and says it is safe in their hands. The idea that income tax should be progressive (meaning lower earners pay little or nothing, high earners pay more) is also widely accepted - indeed Tory chancellors in recent times have often boasted about how many low-earners they have taken out of tax. Yet this too is a broadly socialist idea. Social care, free education up to and including sixth-forms, pensions and income support measures that give older people something reasonable to live on - these are all socialist ideas that grew from the extremes of deprivation witnessed in Victorian times and all are embraced by the Conservative party. 

Of course when the Daily Mail uses the word "socialism", they really mean "communism" but these days it is hard to see many of their readers making that connection, let alone the mass of voters. 

Anyway, enough of that. I was delighted to learn that Immingham Ferrets had roundly trounced Caistor Stoats by six baskets to three, Mrs Arkwright with two superb late plaits and an assist, and continue their bid to win promotion.

They're Out There. Aren't They? I Mean, They Must Be.

 A recently-published scientific paper has caused some interest amidst those who believe there are alien civilisations watching us and indeed, amidst those who believe that, if you write any old garbage but dress it up in academic language, someone somewhere will take it seriously.  

Source: Futurism

 

 Provocative it certainly is. And if you want the reaction of someone who has been well and truly provoked, then just read on, my son. All in a spirit of epistemic humility, of course [You have no idea what that means and, to be frank, neither do I: Ed]

So, did these scientists study mysterious artifacts found on the Earth and show they are made of exotic materials that could never have existed naturally here? Did they identify from animal or near-human remains traces of DNA that have amino acids not found in nature, or an utterly alien cell structure, perhaps with three intertwined helixes? Have they a list of sightings of unidentified vessels leaving the surface of the Moon or streaking through our atmosphere? [All excellent questions: Ed]

Nope. It's all just made up and pretend. There may be an unknown civilisation hiding here (perhaps taking part in some inter-galactic contest of hide-and-seek and, if they last another 28.000 years, they beat Tharg and go through to the semi-final). But saying may is a cop-out. I could say it with exactly as much scientific credence (ie none whatsoever). Science needs something on which to anchor speculation before a hypothesis is worth investigating. What we have from Harvard's finest is exactly the same as the "What-if" scenarios that power a thousand pointless YouTube videos. What if singularities do not exist?¹ What if the planets switched position? ² What if the moon crashed into the earth?³ What if gravity suddenly switched off?⁴ What if aliens are hiding in your dustbin?⁵ What if you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy?⁶ What if England had a really good football team?⁷  Anyone can make these and they add nothing to our knowledge because they are not based on knowledge, only on speculation.

There is nothing wrong in my book with speculation. Philosophers have been doing it for centuries and sometimes their ideas point the way for the physical sciences to follow The idea that aliens are here, unknown to us, is the stuff of many a worthy science-fiction novel.  But the Harvard mob are supposed to be "researchers", not egg-heads musing over a pint and a pipe. I wonder how they made their application for the funding of this "research"?

Scene: An office just off Peabody Street, Cambridge, Mass. Enter Professor D. Crockett, Professor H. Burger and Professor P. Mason, examiners and Dr. A Einstein (no relation) and Dr J.C. Maxwell (no relation), heads of research team.

Crockett: Sit down, gentlemen. Let's have some coffee. Now then, Dr Einstein, we've glanced through your application but why don't you explain it in your own words?
Einstein:  It's ALIENS. They're here. They're hiding on Earth. They have a secret base on the moon. And they may be in touch with mysterious ancient civilisations also hiding on Earth, but not in the same place, probably. They walk among us, possibly, wearing trousers that cunningly disguise their tails, and when they go into bars and say "568 milliliters of your finest fermented barley and water mash flavoured with hops, earthling" NOBODY NOTICES. That is what we need several massive grants to research, gentlemen, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.
Burger: If you could stop shouting, you're making my dentures rattle
Einstein: Sorry.
Mason: This does sound very important work. Have you a digest of observations and evidence to back up these claims?
Einstein: Ah. My colleague can cover this.
Maxwell: What?
Einstein: You know, what we talked about in the bar.
Maxwell: You mean the...oh yes, of course the evidence. Yes, indeed, the evidence. That's definitely what we've got and I am going to show it to you right this minute, gentlemen. Erm, is there any more coffee?
Burger: You do have some evidence, Mr Maxwell?
Maxwell: Yes. Yep. Yes indoody. And here it is (whispers to Einstein) You told me to do it.
Crockett: Well now, I may be just an old-fashioned particle physicist and a bit tired after several ground-breaking experiments, nine best-selling books and a Nobel prize but that does look to me like a napkin.
Maxwell: A paper that we researchers use in our research, sir.
Mason: Looks like a napkin to me. It's got "Eat at Joes" printed on the side, a smear of tomato ketchup and has been crumpled by someone who probably wiped his hands with it, then tried to flatten it out in order to write, in biro if I am not mistaken, "Aliens are here" on the corner.
Einstein: miserably Yes, that's it
Maxwell whispers I told you it wouldn't work
Crockett: This...this is simply incredible.
Burger: My God! I had no idea. This is a real bolt from the blue These young men have done what we never thought possible.
Mason: I never dreamed ... they really do exist? I'm finding it hard to believe what my own eyes are telling me but surely...
Crockett: You are right. I wish you weren't but there it is. We are scientists. We must act on irrefutable facts. And this will confirm Harvard as the world's greatest institution for academic excellence and rigor. It gives me great pleasure to support this research application, to allocate you as many graduate students as you need and to award you thirty million dollars, to begin with. And believe me, gentlemen, there's more where that came from.

Footnotes

1. This is a real YouTube video
2. As is this
3. And indeed this one
4. Probably real
5. I made this one up but I think I will get away with it as nobody ever reads these footnotes anyway
6. Music Nat D Ayer, lyrics Clifford Grey
7. The subject of every newspaper's back page

Election 2024 - Sunak: The Riches to Riches Story

 The news story overshadowing the launch of various party manifestos is the astonishing revelation of prime minister Rishi Sunak, who has laid bare the deprivation and misery of being born to a family who could only afford to send him to Winchester College for his private education. Here is The Guardian's take on it

The Guardian (picture removed)

Now it all falls into place. The young Sunak naturally took up politics, keenly aware of the injustice of wealth ownership, filled with a burning anger to fight for social justice and determined to better the lot of his fellow citizens, Never would he forget the privations of his younger days when he pressed his nose against the windows of the houses of neighbours, eyes wide as he realised that yes, there were indeed more than five channels of television and yes, the one that he was unable to see featured non-stop ¹utterly non-rigged American wrestling .

My eyes teared up on reading that his parents "wanted their kids to have a better life". It seems incredible that any parents could think in such a way. Surely all normal parents want their kids to suffer, to work even harder than they did, to grow steadily poorer and until, in despair, they trade in their fancy 68" HD 4k televisions and go back to a black and white set that you have to thump on the back to get it to switch from BBC to ITV. Or was that just my family?

I too was deprived of Sky. Although, to be fair, this was through my own choice. I decided that I had no need to subscribe to Sky One (bringing you fifteen hours a day of non-stop American wrestling) nor Sky Two (another twenty hours of the bits of non-stop American wrestling you may have missed on Sky One) nor Sky Sports (All the big stories behind American wrestling), Sky Movies (coming soon, American Wrestling III, the grunting continues) nor Sky Arts (Those American Wrestlers costumes - we reveal how they get the sequins to stick on) nor indeed Sky News (All those all-important results from the American wrestling). But I can see how little Rishi must have yearned for the glamour and excitement of watching wrestlers pretend to be hurt as they bounce off the ropes, or surprised by a lethargic drop-kick, or angry at a forearm smash that didn't actually connect with them. Here were a bunch of actors making good money by prancing around for the cameras without actually doing anything. What an inspiration for an aspiring politician.

I look forward to more revelations - the days he was picked up from school in just a Range Rover because the family Bentley was being serviced while all his classmates looked on and sniggered, the awful holidays in Mauritius, New Zealand or Monte, having to keep his old iphone going for a month after the latest model was available - the voters need to know these things. We need to understand better the fire burning in his belly to ensure that no child will ever undergo these dreadful things again. 

Incidentally, the ITV interview, that is the source of this story, is the one Sunak dashed back to London to film instead of standing with other world leaders at the D-Day 80th anniversary commemorations last week. Draw your own conclusions.

-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-

 Readers! Join our Buy Rishi a Sky Subscription Appeal

Let's all dig deep and give our leader the best present he could ever have - a year's subscription to Sky, including all the wrestling channels. Send whatever you can afford to the usual address and we will ensure that not a moment of all-American canvas-pounding action will be missed by a man who, if the opinion polls are to be trusted, may have a lot more time on his hands to watch it all come July 5th. Let's end the years of suffering right now and do the right thing for Rishi!

Footnote

1. Commercials and trailers for yet more American wrestling on various Sky channels included, of course.

The Blight of the Lawyer

 I reproduce a news story in the Daily Telegraph that is sparking so many ideas in my head I can barely sit still - see if you concur

This story is all too familiar in these days of unrestrained global capitalism. A big firm threatens to sue a tiny one for a breach of copyright, knowing that the costs of even a small court action will be disproportionately large for the defendant and therefore seeking to intimidate heedless of the justice of their claim. In this case the big firm, Campari, has a brand called Skyy Vodka. The little firm, owned by Steve White, is a microbrewery selling Dark Sky beer. Campari market their drinks around the world. Dark Sky beer is only available in a handful of pubs in the north of England. 

Campari's lawyers argued that, and please put down any hot drinks before reading on, you don't want to splatter it all over your clothes, "consumers might get confused between its vodka and Mr White's beers". Yes, indeed, easy to mix the two up. Here they are, side by side.

Skyy vodka            Dark Sky beer

I suppose these lawyers are reasonably intelligent and are only acting on instructions. Nonetheless, they could have told their aggressive client that they were just being bloody stupid. No, they took their fees and went to court and to his great credit Mr White refused to be bullied, fought his case and won.

I am inevitably reminded of another lying lawyer, convicted felon ex-President Trump's friend Rudy Giuliani and somehow, given that Skyy Vodka's base is the US, it does seem that we are destined to have another eavesdrop on the American legal system.

Scene: a courtroom in California. US flags, policemen wearing sunglasses, palm trees waving gently outside in the breeze from the Pacific.

Clerk: Yo there, dudes, show some respect and give it up for his honor, Judge D. Crockett
Crockett: Sure is hanging looser here than in my previous courtrooms. Okay, okay, let's all get mellow and see if we can't finish up here before the surf gets up. This is some sort of brand copyright issue, am I right?
Hamilton Burger: Your honor, as usual I represent the plaintiff, in this case the Skyy Vodka corporation of this very state, and my colleague Mr Mason is appearing for the defendants from England, some two-bit moonshiners who aren't even American.
Crockett: Looks pretty bad for you Mr Mason, even before the get-go, whatever that is.
Mason: Your honor, I shall be vigorously contesting this case and I reserve the right to call at least four surprise witnesses at the last minute, as usual.
Burger: Damn.
Crockett: Proceed, Mr Burger.
Burger: I show the court this bottle of my client's vodka, and this bottle of beer from England. It is our contention that the beer has stolen my client's brand name and appearance and it is impossible to tell the difference. Anyone going into a bar anywhere in the world wishing to drink my client's excellent white spirit short drink and having forgotten what it is called, will inevitably see this beer and order it instead. Or if they are aware of the name of Skyy Vodka and wish to order it, will find their tongue twisting to say "Dark Sky beer" instead, everyone knows this happens all the time and my clients are losing literally billions. Every day. At least, I think they are. I mean, aren't they? They told me they were, or might be, or something. Billions. If not more.
Crockett: Mr Mason?
Mason: Your honour, the plaintiff makes a very strong case. I can see that, using the same argument as my distinguished and honorable friend, that anyone wishing to watch Sky TV might well find themselves downing a few shots of vodka instead, having confused the two. Indeed, I have referred this matter to the legal advisors for Sky and they tell me they are going to sue Skyy Vodka for, consults paper at least forty-eight squillion dollars, plus costs, for stealing their name but they are not concerned about Dark Sky beer because, in their words, only a drooling moron could confuse TV and beer or indeed beer and vodka.
Burger: Oh, shi...Your honor, may I have a recess to consult with my clients?
Crockett: Take as long as you like, young feller. Mr Mason, Let's have a beer at the bar, I hear they got a new one called Skyy.

Euros '24 - It's All Here, Right Now, We've Got It Covered

 Once more the England men's football team is poised to compete in a major tournament and once more this column is proud to bring you the only comprehensive, targeted and fully-costed preview you need. Last night in a spectacular and deeply impressive friendly against Iceland last night, where our lads took on the might of the team ranked no less than 72nd in the world, they acquitted themselves superbly by only losing 1-0, and had at least one shot on target. We can now accurately chart their progress in the group stages of the European Championships which begin in one week, hosted by Germany. Iceland did not actually qualify this time but we remember what happened just a few years ago and England have made huge strides since then. Back in 2016 we lost 2-1. This time we limited them to scoring only 1 goal. That is a 100% improvement in terms of letting in goals.  Confidence will be sky high. 

What then of the three matches ahead? It seems likely that things will go something this...

Sunday 16th June vs Serbia. Gelsenkirchen

Result Serbia 2 England 1

Our special correspondent writes...The sun beat down relentlessly on the unforgiving arena that was Gelsenkirchen's Schadenfreude Stadium as England, playing an unfamiliar 3-5-2 formation struggled against the plucky Serbs. Temporary manager G. Southgate's problems were due to the last minute withdrawal of several key defenders who cited niggling groin strains, urgent appointments with their ghost-writers and not wishing to miss a barmitzvah as reasons to stay at home. 

Serbia's midfield dynamo Mágĩc scored the first by hitting the ball directly at the goal  - something Ramsdale had not expected. The second came from a corner where Plȃstȉc's high ball dropped accurately toward the far post and Trȁgĩc had only to tap in as all the defenders were looking the other way. England did pull one back at the end when Trippier booted the ball into the area and it bounced off Kane, the referee and a ball-boy before eluding Fȃntastȉc in goal.

"A good result against a superb and in-form side, even better than Iceland" said Southgate afterwards. "We know what we have to do now. Yes. Yes, we certainly know. There can be no denying that essential fact. The evidence is plain. We simply have to turn up next time and, er, do it"

Thursday 20 June vs Denmark. Frankfurt

Result Denmark 3 England 1

Our special correspondent writes...In the windswept, rain-drenched vortex of 100% proof football that was Frankfurt's SchwanzstuckermitWurst Park , England faced the mighty Danes with grit, determination and, er, grit. With a brand-new 3-6-1 formation, forced upon temporary manager G. Southgate as several key players reported "feeling a bit funny" after an all-night currywurst and Blue Nun special, it was unfortunate that the Danes scored from the first kick, shooting directly at goal. "I didn't expect that" said hapless shot-stopper Ramsdale "I thought nobody would try that one again". Strikers Hans and Christian found easy paths to goal through England's ponderous midfield whilst Andersen had little to do as shots fizzed wide, or over the top, or were scuffed directly at him. England's consolation goal came when Saka dribbled into the penalty area and stepped over the ball, Foden fell over Palmer's untied boot-lace and Watkins stuck his leg out to keep his balance, deflecting the ball past the defence who were mainly holding their sides laughing.

"We can take a lot of positives from that game" Southgate wrote later on Twitter "We know now that kicking the ball up the field rather than backwards makes it more likely we can score. We just have to put that into practice"

Tuesday 25 June vs Slovenia. Cologne

Result England 0 Slovenia 5

Our special correspondent writes...The gale force blizzard that somewhat unexpectedly turned Cologne's UberAlles Avenue Arena into a skating rink did England's gallant players no favours. Temporary manager G. Southgate chose a controversial 2-8-0 formation, comprising whatever was left of the squad after an impromptu schweinshaxe and schnappes contest. But Roglič and [insert other well-known Slovenian here] simply booted the ball over the top of the midfield and scored at will.

"It was hard going" admitted Southgate, writing in The Beano "but our lads showed they can match the best in the world. They were all there at the kick-off and, by God, most of them were still standing at half-time. Nobody can do more for their country.  We leave with heads held high and suitcases stuffed full of duty-frees, and I know we will receive the welcome we deserve"

 

Election 2024 - Headlines, Claims and Gibberish

 Like spores and bacteria, there are words that lie dormant and disregarded for years but which, in favourable conditions, spring back to life and begin multiplying as if nothing had happened. Such conditions are those when politicans are hurling out sound-bites in all directions in the pressured environment of a general election. Lying half asleep this morning listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, I picked out some old favourites, from, I think, a LibDem spokesperson but it could have been from any party. Targeted. Comprehensive. Fully-costed. And I think Crackdown might have been in there, inevitably accompanied by Avoiders or Dodgers.

My muse in matters satirical is Michael Frayn and he, many years ago, identified combinations of words that existed only in newspaper headlines and which conveyed some sort of meaning to readers, but often so vaguely that the same headlines could be used over and over in many different ways. Bid Probe Allegation Shock could be one. Leak Drama Move Slammed another.  In the same way, when a party announces that, on taking office, it will solve all Britain's financial problems through a targeted, comprehensive and fully-costed crackdown, the dozing listener absorbs this in the way a damp J-cloth absorbs a spillage - the first wipe gets most of the liquid but always leaves a bit. The policy announcement gets blotted up and largely vanishes from the brain, leaving a slimy trail of those buzz words which convey something but, in the words of another great satirist, Lewis Carroll, "Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don't exactly know what they are!"

When grappling with political ideas it does feel as though we are tracking the Jabberwock through the tulgy wood. Figures are thrown about like branches snagging one's armour - Rishi Sunak's recently invented claim that Labour measures would raise taxation by some £2,000 a household being a good example. He then claimed this was an official civil service calculation, only to have to withdraw when the Treasury said it was nothing to do with them, and to further withdraw when it became clear that it was £2,000 over the four years expected life of the next parliament. The details have become lost in the murk and only the headline "Labour Tax Bombshell Claim Shock" remains.

-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-

Readers! Do you examples of words that come alive at elections? Send them in to the usual address and the very best will be used to make a suitable headline for a forthcoming piece. Comprehensive Terms and Conditions apply and have been targeted to be spot on with whatever they are required to do. A fully-costed copy will be sent on receipt of £2,000 or whatever figure you feel is suitable.

Election 2024 - Don't Say The F Word

 Poor old Rishi Sunak. Not only is his party trailing Labour in the polls, but the sinister, grinning wrecker of Britain's good relationship with the world's largest trading bloc has today announced his intention to stand for Parliament and to do so as leader of the party he founded. Reform seem likely to take more votes from the Tories than from anyone else, and may do reasonably well as a third party but perhaps without taking a seat. Or maybe just one, if their leader finally achieves his long-held ambition.

Only recently it seemed that Nigel F. was going to spearhead the campaign to re-elect to the White House his idol, a convicted criminal with even more ambitions to wreck things than himself. Now he has turned his back on the glitz of conventions and coast-to-coast jetting in favour of assaulting the sanity of the good folk of Clacton. Will he stand defiantly on the beach, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at the continent while declaring his intentions to fight them on it?