Once more the England men's football team is poised to compete in a major tournament and once more this column is proud to bring you the only comprehensive, targeted and fully-costed preview you need. Last night in a spectacular and deeply impressive friendly against Iceland last night, where our lads took on the might of the team ranked no less than 72nd in the world, they acquitted themselves superbly by only losing 1-0, and had at least one shot on target. We can now accurately chart their progress in the group stages of the European Championships which begin in one week, hosted by Germany. Iceland did not actually qualify this time but we remember what happened just a few years ago and England have made huge strides since then. Back in 2016 we lost 2-1. This time we limited them to scoring only 1 goal. That is a 100% improvement in terms of letting in goals. Confidence will be sky high.
What then of the three matches ahead? It seems likely that things will go something this...
Sunday 16th June vs Serbia. Gelsenkirchen
Result Serbia 2 England 1
Our special correspondent writes...The sun beat down relentlessly on the unforgiving arena that was Gelsenkirchen's Schadenfreude Stadium as England, playing an unfamiliar 3-5-2 formation struggled against the plucky Serbs. Temporary manager G. Southgate's problems were due to the last minute withdrawal of several key defenders who cited niggling groin strains, urgent appointments with their ghost-writers and not wishing to miss a barmitzvah as reasons to stay at home.
Serbia's midfield dynamo Mágĩc scored the first by hitting the ball directly at the goal - something Ramsdale had not expected. The second came from a corner where Plȃstȉc's high ball dropped accurately toward the far post and Trȁgĩc had only to tap in as all the defenders were looking the other way. England did pull one back at the end when Trippier booted the ball into the area and it bounced off Kane, the referee and a ball-boy before eluding Fȃntastȉc in goal.
"A good result against a superb and in-form side, even better than Iceland" said Southgate afterwards. "We know what we have to do now. Yes. Yes, we certainly know. There can be no denying that essential fact. The evidence is plain. We simply have to turn up next time and, er, do it"
Thursday 20 June vs Denmark. Frankfurt
Result Denmark 3 England 1
Our special correspondent writes...In the windswept, rain-drenched vortex of 100% proof football that was Frankfurt's SchwanzstuckermitWurst Park , England faced the mighty Danes with grit, determination and, er, grit. With a brand-new 3-6-1 formation, forced upon temporary manager G. Southgate as several key players reported "feeling a bit funny" after an all-night currywurst and Blue Nun special, it was unfortunate that the Danes scored from the first kick, shooting directly at goal. "I didn't expect that" said hapless shot-stopper Ramsdale "I thought nobody would try that one again". Strikers Hans and Christian found easy paths to goal through England's ponderous midfield whilst Andersen had little to do as shots fizzed wide, or over the top, or were scuffed directly at him. England's consolation goal came when Saka dribbled into the penalty area and stepped over the ball, Foden fell over Palmer's untied boot-lace and Watkins stuck his leg out to keep his balance, deflecting the ball past the defence who were mainly holding their sides laughing.
"We can take a lot of positives from that game" Southgate wrote later on Twitter "We know now that kicking the ball up the field rather than backwards makes it more likely we can score. We just have to put that into practice"
Tuesday 25 June vs Slovenia. Cologne
Result England 0 Slovenia 5
Our special correspondent writes...The gale force blizzard that somewhat unexpectedly turned Cologne's UberAlles Avenue Arena into a skating rink did England's gallant players no favours. Temporary manager G. Southgate chose a controversial 2-8-0 formation, comprising whatever was left of the squad after an impromptu schweinshaxe and schnappes contest. But Roglič and [insert other well-known Slovenian here] simply booted the ball over the top of the midfield and scored at will.
"It was hard going" admitted Southgate, writing in The Beano "but our lads showed they can match the best in the world. They were all there at the kick-off and, by God, most of them were still standing at half-time. Nobody can do more for their country. We leave with heads held high and suitcases stuffed full of duty-frees, and I know we will receive the welcome we deserve"
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