Election 2024 - Place Your Bets

Vote Spendthrift

Our Policies for a Massively Richer Britain 

A recent meeting of the Spendthrift Shadow Cabinet

We, in the Spendthrift Party, have been accused by poorly informed detractors of having "a galaxy sized black hole" at the heart of our policy to cut income tax to 1% whilst recruiting four million doctors, nurses, teachers, police officers and reasonably competent left-sided attacking wing backs, starting the day after we sweep to power. And they might have a point, were it not for our revolutionary financial plan. We will have little need of conventional sources of revenues, my friends, because we are riding the express train of the future and all the signals are green. We have found a sure fire way to raise enormous amounts of the ready and it's all thanks to the Conservative Party.

There's no need to work hard to create wealth. No need to to work at all, actually. Simply obtain some inside information and place a bet. Results guaranteed. This is a proven technique. Already associates of our great party have made the following wagers:

• The newly installed foreign secretary to describe Mexicans as "lazy, tequila-swilling loudmouths in stupidly large hats who spend all day lying around outside cantinas". The odds - a very tasty 20,000 to 1, thank you William Hill. We've pledged our tax revenues from North Sea Oil on this one and it is a dead cert to bring in £190bn within the very first week of a Spendthrift government taking office.
• Appointment of Liz Truss as Director of the Office for Fiscal Responsibility. Corals offered 38,000 to 1 against this ever happening and we've snapped it up, staking the take from customs duties in Dover and Southampton for the next five years. There's a guaranteed £290bn right there.
• Date of the next general election. We know when it will be, nobody else does and if Ladbrokes are happy to offer 90,000 to 1 against it being on Christmas Day 2024, who are we not to bet the Crown Jewels on it?

Vote Spendthrift. The only party who can genuinely say "We're betting it all on Britain".