They're Out There. Aren't They? I Mean, They Must Be.

 A recently-published scientific paper has caused some interest amidst those who believe there are alien civilisations watching us and indeed, amidst those who believe that, if you write any old garbage but dress it up in academic language, someone somewhere will take it seriously.  

Source: Futurism

 

 Provocative it certainly is. And if you want the reaction of someone who has been well and truly provoked, then just read on, my son. All in a spirit of epistemic humility, of course [You have no idea what that means and, to be frank, neither do I: Ed]

So, did these scientists study mysterious artifacts found on the Earth and show they are made of exotic materials that could never have existed naturally here? Did they identify from animal or near-human remains traces of DNA that have amino acids not found in nature, or an utterly alien cell structure, perhaps with three intertwined helixes? Have they a list of sightings of unidentified vessels leaving the surface of the Moon or streaking through our atmosphere? [All excellent questions: Ed]

Nope. It's all just made up and pretend. There may be an unknown civilisation hiding here (perhaps taking part in some inter-galactic contest of hide-and-seek and, if they last another 28.000 years, they beat Tharg and go through to the semi-final). But saying may is a cop-out. I could say it with exactly as much scientific credence (ie none whatsoever). Science needs something on which to anchor speculation before a hypothesis is worth investigating. What we have from Harvard's finest is exactly the same as the "What-if" scenarios that power a thousand pointless YouTube videos. What if singularities do not exist?¹ What if the planets switched position? ² What if the moon crashed into the earth?³ What if gravity suddenly switched off?⁴ What if aliens are hiding in your dustbin?⁵ What if you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy?⁶ What if England had a really good football team?⁷  Anyone can make these and they add nothing to our knowledge because they are not based on knowledge, only on speculation.

There is nothing wrong in my book with speculation. Philosophers have been doing it for centuries and sometimes their ideas point the way for the physical sciences to follow The idea that aliens are here, unknown to us, is the stuff of many a worthy science-fiction novel.  But the Harvard mob are supposed to be "researchers", not egg-heads musing over a pint and a pipe. I wonder how they made their application for the funding of this "research"?

Scene: An office just off Peabody Street, Cambridge, Mass. Enter Professor D. Crockett, Professor H. Burger and Professor P. Mason, examiners and Dr. A Einstein (no relation) and Dr J.C. Maxwell (no relation), heads of research team.

Crockett: Sit down, gentlemen. Let's have some coffee. Now then, Dr Einstein, we've glanced through your application but why don't you explain it in your own words?
Einstein:  It's ALIENS. They're here. They're hiding on Earth. They have a secret base on the moon. And they may be in touch with mysterious ancient civilisations also hiding on Earth, but not in the same place, probably. They walk among us, possibly, wearing trousers that cunningly disguise their tails, and when they go into bars and say "568 milliliters of your finest fermented barley and water mash flavoured with hops, earthling" NOBODY NOTICES. That is what we need several massive grants to research, gentlemen, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.
Burger: If you could stop shouting, you're making my dentures rattle
Einstein: Sorry.
Mason: This does sound very important work. Have you a digest of observations and evidence to back up these claims?
Einstein: Ah. My colleague can cover this.
Maxwell: What?
Einstein: You know, what we talked about in the bar.
Maxwell: You mean the...oh yes, of course the evidence. Yes, indeed, the evidence. That's definitely what we've got and I am going to show it to you right this minute, gentlemen. Erm, is there any more coffee?
Burger: You do have some evidence, Mr Maxwell?
Maxwell: Yes. Yep. Yes indoody. And here it is (whispers to Einstein) You told me to do it.
Crockett: Well now, I may be just an old-fashioned particle physicist and a bit tired after several ground-breaking experiments, nine best-selling books and a Nobel prize but that does look to me like a napkin.
Maxwell: A paper that we researchers use in our research, sir.
Mason: Looks like a napkin to me. It's got "Eat at Joes" printed on the side, a smear of tomato ketchup and has been crumpled by someone who probably wiped his hands with it, then tried to flatten it out in order to write, in biro if I am not mistaken, "Aliens are here" on the corner.
Einstein: miserably Yes, that's it
Maxwell whispers I told you it wouldn't work
Crockett: This...this is simply incredible.
Burger: My God! I had no idea. This is a real bolt from the blue These young men have done what we never thought possible.
Mason: I never dreamed ... they really do exist? I'm finding it hard to believe what my own eyes are telling me but surely...
Crockett: You are right. I wish you weren't but there it is. We are scientists. We must act on irrefutable facts. And this will confirm Harvard as the world's greatest institution for academic excellence and rigor. It gives me great pleasure to support this research application, to allocate you as many graduate students as you need and to award you thirty million dollars, to begin with. And believe me, gentlemen, there's more where that came from.

Footnotes

1. This is a real YouTube video
2. As is this
3. And indeed this one
4. Probably real
5. I made this one up but I think I will get away with it as nobody ever reads these footnotes anyway
6. Music Nat D Ayer, lyrics Clifford Grey
7. The subject of every newspaper's back page